Your Opinion Of You Is The Only One That Matter

Seeking approval from others withholds your freedom and independence. It can make you a slave to opinions to ensure your emotional balance. This often feels like the most necessary part of life. But true self-fulfillment derives from the Self, the self-concept of you, not another’s view of you. Your self-concept is the source of your self-confidence (not to be confused with arrogance, which is an aspect of insecurity disguised as confidence). Self-confidence is defined as perceiving your own worth, your own strengths and skills. If we place too much value on someone else’s opinions or reactions to us, it can hinder our self-worth. Self-worth is about you and how you value yourself.

We often permit others to perform a particular role in our lives. This is because we desire their endorsements. Perhaps you have a friend, family member, partner, co-worker or boss who controls your feelings because you yearn to please him or her in order to maintain harmony or feel like you matter. What you may not realize is that the approval and harmony you are seeking is nothing that others can give you. It stems from your own insecurities. You are seeking their endorsement for assurance of your value, something you doubt, and this doubt means their approval is only temporarily satisfying. The joyful fulfillment you seek – which we all need – can only come from within you, not from others’ approval of you.

Validation from others rarely comes without cost.  Your neediness can leave you vulnerable to manipulation or control by others. Their desires and goals – their use of you – can have negative consequences to your self-esteem. You think you need what they offer, but you don’t really. Others’ opinions are sometimes helpful, if the other person is wise and cares about you, or even if they just see something you don’t but no individual can be supported 100 percent of the time; therefore, you must learn to rely on yourself for reassurance.

As a counselor and hypnotherapist specializing in the field of metaphysics, I work with my clients to help them comprehend that their need for approval developed early in childhood, deep within the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is responsible for all of your emotions, including the fear of disapproval.

Ways that the Parent/Child Relationship is Responsible for Approval/Disapproval!

We seek approval from others to assist in building our own self-esteem. We were taught as a child that attention feels astounding! The desire individuals have for the love and acceptance of their parents is so intense because it is necessary for the helpless infant to survive. Even the growing child, becoming independent, needs far more care than she or he can give themselves.

What happens is that, over time, we are conditioned to always look for that security. This is often complicated by rejection or ridicule from a parent. Disapproval, coldness, indifference, abandonment, in whatever form or to whatever degree, leaves us feeling unsafe and unprotected. We try even harder—go to any lengths—to get what as children we desperately need. Any means we come up with to get the attention or approval of parents or other caretakers sets a precedent for our lives. Individuals learn to meticulously develop behavior patterns in order to feed this need of approval.

Some approval seeking behaviors are:

·         Expressing agreement when you do not agree

·         Stating yes when you believe no

·         Attempting to manipulate your environment to increase agreement or approval

·         Feeling worried or upset because someone doesn’t agree with you

·         Deforming your personal character or beliefs to fit in

The problem with approval-seeking behaviors is they typically result in the opposite of what you seek. Most individuals admire those who stand up for what they believe in and who are respectful of their own and others’ opinions. Self-validation creates a support for your own beliefs, which ensures self-esteem.

If approval from others is what you seek, begin by approving and valuing yourself first. This is self-worth. In order to develop this incredible trait, you must learn to accept the authentic you. You may be afraid of this person. You may not think the authentic you is worth very much. I believe you are wrong, but I understand the fear. You may need to start slowly. Identify qualities in yourself that you like and appreciate. Just one quality…then another. When you do or say something that makes you feel good about who you are, affirm it! Acknowledge your hard work and be proud of your decisions. Do not look around for another’s approval. Take the opportunity to stand on your own. Your liberation will be exhilarating!

It will be easier the next time. As with everything, habit develops, and you begin to see that in fact you are a unique person, someone you like and admire.

Once value and worth has been established, like magic everything in your life will begin to change. Creating self-fulfillment through self-worth gives you independence and freedom from others’ judgments and approvals. Your opinion of you is the only one that matters!

Braxton Family Values

Hi everyone! Be sure to catch me on the television show Braxton family Values helping Trina Braxton overcome her fear of birds. The episode is called Flippin the Bird on WETV. It's also available on demand!

Speak Up—Speak Out—Expose Yourself (Overcoming the Fear of Public Speaking)

Fears and phobias can have so much influence over our lives that they restrict us from actually experiencing life as demonstrated by Trina Braxton on the hit reality television show Braxton Family Values. As Trina’s hypnotherapist, I helped her conquer her fear of birds. However, the most common phobia of all is the fear of public speaking. That’s right—what we’re most afraid of is each other. Specifically, others’ opinions of us.

Glossophobia, also known as the fear of public speaking, is a form of communication anxiety. It’s closely related to performance anxiety since it is based on how others will judge you in a public setting where the focus is on you. Symptoms can range from a little apprehension to overwhelming panic. Let us explore the essential difference between fear and phobia. If you are able to manage your speaking engagements with mild symptoms such as nervousness or over preparation, you are experiencing fear. However, if you are suffering symptoms such as sweating, increased heart rate, dry mouth, difficulty breathing, or feelings of extreme dread—like you are about to die—you are experiencing a phobia.  

Fear of public speaking is often linked to low self-esteem and low self-confidence and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as it holds you back and causes you to miss opportunities. Some common examples are refusing to give a speech, demonstration or presentation that would benefit you; not voicing your opinion when you have the correct answer at school or a good idea at work; declining a job opportunity because it would mean presenting in front of others. Long-term outcomes can include a diminished career, frustration, depression, and even unemployment.

Fortunately, there is a solution that can help minimize your panic.

Systematic Desensitization is a hierarchy technique used to treat fears/phobias based on behavior modification. This is the method that I successfully used to help Trina Braxton conquer her phobia.  This therapeutic technique can drastically reduce anxiety and enable you to do that which you dreadfully fear. The first step in overcoming is to establish a list consisting of three panic scenarios. Next, rank the anxiety from least to most fearful.

An example of a Glossophobia hierarchy might be:

1.      I practice for my speech at work by talking into my mirror with tranquility and confidence.

2.      I practice for my speech at work in front of family or friends with tranquility and confidence.

3.      I present my speech at work with the tranquility and confidence that I have demonstrated through rehearsal.

As a counselor and hypnotherapist specializing in the field of clinical and metaphysical hypnosis, I can tell you that the panic you are experiencing in regards to your fear has been conditioned by the conscious mind and believed by the unconscious mind. “Conditioned” means that we have learned it through repetition. The more you tell yourself that you are afraid of speaking in public, the more you will believe it.

Fortunately, there is a way to reverse the process by counter-conditioning through systematic desensitization using the hierarchy that you have created.

Systematic Desensitization consists of three important procedures:

1.      Progressive relaxation

2.      Realistic anxiety hierarchy

3.      Combining relaxation such as meditation or hypnosis with the situations described in your anxiety hierarchy

I always encourage my clients to create an affirmation and visualization of empowerment to use while completing the desensitization process in meditation or hypnosis. Affirmations and visualizations are also a form of conditioning, meaning the conscious mind is telling the unconscious mind what to believe. Coping mechanisms such as hypnosis or meditation to induce relaxation must be used in conjunction with desensitization since it is impossible to experience anxiety and relaxation at the same time.

Begin your relaxation process by finding a quiet, comfortable place to sit, recline or lie down. Close your eyes and focus on peace flowing throughout your body. State your affirmation and keep your thoughts on it. Focus on particular muscles within your body. Begin with the toes—telling them to relax and slowly move up your body, giving each muscle group permission to let go of tension until you have reached the scalp. By now, your affirmation will be fading, sinking into your unconscious mind.

Hold onto this tranquility and begin introducing your least fearful scenario from your hierarchy:

1.      See yourself practicing your speech in front of the mirror. Once the dread peaks, bring back the affirmation and visualization. Wait until the process works and you are calm and confident, then go on to the next level of the hierarchy.

2.      See yourself presenting the speech in front of friends or family, once the dead peaks, bring back the affirmation and visualization. Wait until you are calm and confident then go to the most fearful level of the hierarchy.

3.      See yourself arriving at the building with your notes in hand; walking to the podium; looking out at the audience of dozens of people who have come to hear a self-possessed, bright and engaging person speak. Use the exact same process—let the fear peak, then relax yourself and bring back the affirmation and visualization.

Once you have completed the desensitization process, allow yourself to remain in a calm, safe emotional state for a moment before counting from 1-5 to bring yourself to full alertness.

Now that the desensitization process has concluded, it’s time to introduce exposure therapy. Exposure therapy means just that—you expose yourself to the real world, doing some of the things that frighten you. It’s therapy because you do it by choice. Once you have a little practice, such as your mirror, you can begin doing this at work. The important things are to make the decision that you will take control of your fear, to start small and gradually increase exposure, and to always remember to use your affirmation and visualization for empowerment as you find yourself needing the comfort.

Whatever your fear may be, take your power back from the panic that is holding you hostage. Reclaim self-esteem and self-confidence and let everyone hear what you have to say…

Speak Up—Speak Out—Expose Yourself!

Escaping Emotional Imprisonment

If you struggle with rejection and abandonment concerns, then you undoubtedly understand the term “Emotional Imprisonment.” The feeling of being rejected or abandoned is often developed in childhood, typically resulting from the actions or inactions of primary caregivers. Having your basic needs for food, shelter, love and safety not met or met inconsistently is a trauma that sets up mistrust within the early relationships that set a course for the future. Once the chains of mistrust have been shackled onto the unconscious mind, an individual is sentenced to a lifetime in the brig repeating a destructive pattern within all his or her relationships.

Think about life as a journey at sea. The unconscious mind is the ship, and the conscious mind the captain. At times the sea is calm, but can often be rough and frightening. Unless the captain steps in to navigate the ship, it can drift aimlessly, unaware of its destination or its course.

The beginning of a new liaison is wonderful and invigorating. It can seem easy to trust. This is because the hope that we all carry—things will be different this time—is activated by a new start. As time passes, we learn that the other person isn’t perfect; something that we might have known in theory but hadn’t yet seen in practice. Their human flaws wake underlying fears. We become hypersensitive to words, tones, behaviors and actions. This then triggers anxiety and the gnawing worry that the trauma will be repeated. We unconsciously search for evidence to support our belief that the event that started the rejection and abandonment is an essential part of our life, our “fate.”

Children see the world in very stark terms: whatever happens is due to good or bad luck, their parents’ problems, or an unjust society. If their universe is one of pain, they withdraw emotionally. As adults in a new relationship, the old coping mechanism kicks in sabotaging love by creating doubts and uncertainties. Once again, the relationship pattern has been repeated.

Recognizing this pattern within your behavior is essential for changing it. As a counselor and hypnotherapist, I guide clients in understanding their unconscious behaviors by asking a few simple questions.

1.      Can you describe your childhood?

2.      Can you relate your current feeling of mistrust to your childhood?

3.      Can you identify your relationship patterns?

Why is it imperative to connect our emotions to our childhood?

The unconscious mind is developed in early childhood and is responsible for all emotions throughout your life. Whether positive or negative, everything learned in childhood is etched very deeply on your soul and will be unconsciously repeated throughout adult life…until, that is, you decide to alter course.

Change can be brought about in the conscious and/or the unconscious mind. I assist clients in bringing about transformation by utilizing both aspects of the mind. Through the power of hypnosis, I can interact directly with the unconscious mind, helping to create change while the conscious mind sleeps.

Self-hypnosis is a powerful tool for healthy transformation. Find a quiet, relaxing place for meditation and incorporate soft lighting, music, and a candle. Have a positive affirmation memorized to guide the unconscious mind toward the desired change. Something as simple as “I am willing to trust” is sufficient. In a sense, you become your own parent, reassuring the frightened child within. You take on the role of the wise, loving authority.

Make sure the affirmation resonates with you. After your surrounding is conditioned for meditation, clear your mind and begin to focus on shallow breaths. This will create a path for self-hypnosis. Begin repeating your affirmation slowly as your conscious mind starts to drift, allowing for direct communication with the unconscious mind.

Transformation also occurs when the conscious mind wants to change an unhealthy habit or pattern. Examples are committing to weight loss after many years of unhealthy eating or being determined to rebuild trust. Each individual has experienced a time within their lives when they …HAVE HAD ENOUGH…and, therefore, change was made. This is a different way of asserting authority. These moments reflect that the captain has just altered navigation of the ship and steered life in a new direction.

Rebuilding trust is about a shift in power. When mistrust is present, you are powerless, although you believe that your suspicion is a tool that protects you. Reflect back to your childhood and try to make any necessary connection to your current fears. Identify and acknowledge patterns within your relationships. Let go of negative past experiences while reminding yourself that you are and always will be safe and in control of your life.

Understanding that trust is not about finding the perfect and most trustworthy person that will never hurt you, but about being empowered by freeing yourself from the past. Do not permit your mind to manipulate you by sabotaging your relationships and continually leading you into a dangerous sea. Permit the captain to gain control by steering you into tranquil waters, allowing you to escape emotional imprisonment.